Lately I've been wrestling with a concept. The idea that there's a difference between as good as it can possibly be and as good as it can possibly be, today.
I'm finishing production on a wedding video, my first ever. I'm so happy with how it's turning out, but I can still see all the things I'd do differently, which would improve the quality. I think to myself I can do better.
We're working on the house. It's taken so long, we finally had contractors do a little work to move us along and get quality work done on some of the trickier portions. Most of the work they did was good, but there's a few elements that niggle at Aaron and I, as a little disappointing. We had been so looking forward to having them "professionally" done. This could've been better. The whole thing could've gone faster.
This blog challenge, which I am so excited for and which I have so many ideas for, but for which I have so little time to actually invest, these last few weeks. It leaves me feeling a like; If I can't make it how I really want it, what's the point in doing it at all? I'm not a fan of half-assing it. I can't help but think who would ever want to read this. Why do I bother on the days when it's barely more than a cursory account of the mundane. I want so much more for this project. This could be so much better.
In my household, where healthy meals and order and routine are so vital to us as we go through these intense times with the house and businesses and all the things. But some days, dinner still doesn't get made and the dog fur swirls like eddies on the river of the wood grained floor. When I am a bit too late making it to the store and we run out of a daily item. And I think My home and family deserve so much more.
And I consider the failure and shame I sometimes feel, when the breadth of my effort doesn't quite seem to compass everything as well as it possibly could. When I go to wrap my arms around it all, but I loose a thing or two, like socks out of a laundry pile.
You know, some days my proverbial tank is full. When I'm well rested, running on healthy food, full of good words from people around me and quality time with my loves, and coffee. And sometimes on those days I make it through the day and all the socks stay in my pile.
But a lot of days, I've siphoned some of the fuel in my tank out, for the sake of something important. I haven't kept it all for the things I think are important. Or I need to add extra to the pile, more than I can reasonably balance while expecting not to drop anything.
A lot of days, the truth is, my results are just not the best that they could possibly be. They're not.
But when the shame comes and tries to whisper in my ear about the dropped sock in the hallway of my life, I've started to whisper this back....
I gave everything I had, today. It wasn't the best it could be. It wasn't the best it will ever be. But it was the best I had today, and I'm glad for it. I can build on that. I can go from here.
So, shame, you can take your dropped sock and stuff it.
Actually, no, hand it to me because ...I have to do laundry....