The way of time is beyond me. How everything repeats, but nothing is ever the same.

In years gone by, I felt like the mute button was pressed on my life. This year, though, I thought that was going to change. And it has, some. But what I learned during my silent time was that just because you can make noise, doesn't always mean you should. Not until you put in the work. Really, that's been so much of my time, this year; learning how to work like I'm designed to.

That alone has opened a lot of doors; that and the way my husband provides for our family. I'm grateful for this in a broad sense, but also because by providing for us, he purchases for me the opportunity to do what I was made for. I do make money, but I don't have to worry about it. He takes care of us. I am so blessed that he believes in me; gratitude I can't even put into words.

The more I work, the more doors open. It's not always easy to be fearless about walking through each opportunity. Because that requires being uncomfortable, treading the unfamiliar and also, letting go. It's personal. It's not like making a widget and offering it for public consumption. These are parts of me; soul and spirit, vision and perspective. But it's worth it, even the disappointments. Because I know what it's like to live full of ideas that never do anything but die on a shelf in your mind, having never seen the light.

I began writing professionally this year and have since taken on some photography clients on, as well. A friend I met in a counseling class and I started an artist's collective called Seven. It's making some headway. I've got six songs ready to record in the studio. I've started on a book. It's good. These things are all good. They take work and focus and time.

But there is always shadow to give contrast to light. I have been walking the last steps of my father's road, with him. That takes a good deal out of me. I'm glad to give it, but I've learned to be realistic about my own capacity. I am not limitless, especially not if I want to give anything of quality to what I do. There is still my husband and home and beyond that our little farm for children which we are working toward, always ever in the forefront, at once close yet far, needing our effort.

So, with all of this, as much as I can, I am trying to be purposeful about each minute that I spend; to not waste a bit. But, despite my attempts to fill it, the reality is that time is whipping by and I'm just hanging on for dear life. Holding fast and pressing on.

 

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